I’m annoyed, it is a strange annoyance, it is an annoyance that I thought I would not be annoyed about. This week, all of a sudden the environment has become a big issue for me, it has sort of been simmering for years, knowing that us, humans, are wrecking the world we are living in. We’ve known this for years but its always been someone else’s problem. I’ve believed the politicians and industry will sort it out, well that was my belief, they are human as well, aren’t they!
Unfortunately from the politicians and industries point of view it is the other countries and other industries that need to sort it out first, not them. I really do not know if this is true but that is the feeling I get. Walking away from the Paris agreement just to line the pockets of industrialist and themselves without a care for anything else is abhorrent, selfish, and eventually suicidal for them and death to the majority of life on earth.
I’ve just realised I’m not annoyed, I’m angry!
I’m angry at the stupidity of me I’m angry at the stupidity of others I’m angry that this has gone on for so long I’m angry at me for not really doing anything to help I’m angry at you for not really doing anything to help I’m angry!
Apparently we have ten years to put our house in order. Can we wait to see if this is true? If this is true the children being born now won’t have a life like we have had.
This is really what has annoyed me, if what has been said is true, I’ve contributed to the impending extinction of the world!
I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do! I’m angry that I don’t know what to do! I’m annoyed that I don’t know what to do!?
I looked in the mirror yesterday and laughed, it was a spontaneous laugh, I didn’t start the laugh it was my image in the mirror. Normally my image is demur and doesn’t like being looked at, maybe for a few seconds, then looks away.
Something changed this weekend, I may get to it later or not. Let’s see!
Well, it’s sooner than later, I had some wonderful words write that have disappeared for a while, they my come back or not.
This weekend I was continuing my training to be an Alexander Technique Teacher, it’s taken longer than most but not as long as other I know. I love the work and rediscoveries that I have made about myself. There has been tears and snot, lots of it. Especially this last Sunday, even before we started at ten. I have a dear friend, she’s an Alexander Technique Teacher in Scotland, we message each other regularly, she’s sometimes my safety valve, she sometimes pushes my boundaries. Last week she wrote some thoughts for horses, “In our Hands“. On Sunday morning I read it again probably for the fifth or so time, I was in the restaurant where I was staying, I had to leave the restaurant to get to the safety of my room and sobbed and sobbed: I discovered for me it wasn’t about horses, it was about me!
The second part was particularly poignant for me.
“2. Can you sit in balance on a chair, easily for a prolonged period of time without discomfort? If not, learn to do so before you sit on a horse. You are only bringing your inbalances to your riding and teaching your horse tension otherwise. You will create imbalances. Find your own poise first and then you will find the poise of your horse. It’s magical when it happens and totally worth the work on your self.”
The learning I’ve been doing for these years is summed up in the last sentence ” It’s magical when it happens and totally worth the work on your self.”
Sunday was the third day of the weekend training, I’d discovered things that I wanted to explore, I usually have things to explore but normally I can’t seem to express them verbally, they normally disappear deep inside me, this weekend I let them all out, there was no resistance, well maybe a little with some things, Kajsa helped me with her kind and skilful words and touch. I was suddenly in the here and now without effort, I didn’t try to get there, I was just there and I wasn’t going anywhere else! I’ve experienced this a few times before but then it was fleeting, not the persistence I discovered on Sunday and that is still with me now.
My image is content with me as I am with my image; a strange and wonderful space and time to be in. I’m getting used to it and loving it!
Peter at South Bank has been training me for a few years to help me rediscover myself, this rediscovery brings naturally freedom and aliveness in everything I do. It is utterly fantastic, even when I’m angry, confused, happy or sad. You have got to here in my blog and may be fasinated by my discovery, if you don’t know anything about the Alexander Technique, go find a teacher. Rediscovering you freedom and aliveness is easy with the help of a teacher, it will be fleeting. The skill is freedom and aliveness with persistence; knowing that if something or someone knocks you off balance, your freedom and ease can return in an instant. This takes practice, loads of practice, as Kirsten wrote “It’s magical when it happens and totally worth the work on your self.” Love to you all that have helped me this far on my journey, there have been many.
It’s been a while since I’ve written here, I’ve sort of stopped for a while to consider what to do next! Stop, look and listen, if it’s clear then cross the road was advertised a long time ago on road safety adverts, comes to mind. I’ve been stopped whilst looking and listening, this is my first step off the kerb!
Stopping was the hard thing to do as I wanted to plough on regardless and at the same time knowing it is good stop. I guess I stopped but I don’t know, we all play games on ourselves; I may have played at stopping and instead just waited to continue irrespective of what I’ve seen or heard, that’s pretty dangerous when crossing the road and could be also in life. What I’ve come to discover that I continually play these games on myself and as we both are human you will be playing the same sort of games to a greater or lesser extent. Then to the next discovery; be content with who you think you are, for me this has only happened when I noticed and stopped the games I’ve been playing at stopping. Who I think I am changes by the minute of everyday, I will meet somebody and change, I will see, smell, touch or sense something and will change. We all react to our environments in some way all of the time, just be content that this happens; notice and learn. Noticing my reactions to my environment has been interesting, by noticing I have a greater choice, firstly is my initial reaction true, if it’s not I could do something different or nothing at all. A surprisingly simple concept but ever so difficult to enact as I’m fighting against my habits that have protected me for many years. However fighting, whatever fighting means to you, will make your moment with your environment more complex and not appropriate to you; your body will push back and put the brakes on, producing that knowing feeling or pain somewhere.
Looking and Listening, I guess, during my time out, I’ve been noticing and asking questions to myself and others, accepting what I hear and see. Again noticing when my ‘fight’ pops up. Is my fight real or imaginary, do I trust the person, do I trust what I hear, does it content matter to me? When trust and truth line up everything becomes easy, life is good.
It is clear to cross the road, when I’m open with myself and the trust and authenticity of others shines brightly, then I can make a decision to cross the road or not; it’s my choice. If trust and truth are missing it’s not safe to cross, stop and wait by the kerb until trust and truth come to help or walk on to find another route.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries we want more boundaries, they could be walls, fences, border controls, there seems to be a worldly desire recently to keep what we have from others. Do these state boundaries scale down to our towns and cities, keeping others at bay, equally do we do it to ourselves, thoughts of we can’t do this and that, keeping this and that at bay. Is what we think and do constrained with own imaginary walls, fences and border controls?
What are these for, are they to keep the status quo inside and stopping new ideas coming in upsetting the status quo?
I know what my border controls are, they are for me to keep doing the same old thing out because of the fear of the past, I did it that way once, I was convinced it was the right way to do it, it wasn’t, if I keep trying it’ll work eventually, surely! This is stupid, I know it’s stupid but I keep on doing it, some things are so strong that keep on doing it is the only way. Sometimes I want to build a bigger stronger wall just out of the fear of what’s on the other side. I know it’s stupid but its the only way, isn’t it?
Some borders are the other way round, you want to get inside; the grass is greener over there, it seems to be better it I do … . Envy is just another border, something that you are pining for that is just out of your reach, you can see it but can’t get to it, you are convinced the streets are paved with gold, if only you could get there to see these streets.
For most things I can let my internalised borders melt away, some I have real difficultly with, some I don’t even know I have.
The borders I have some control over I can always climb over and take a look, take the rose tinted glasses off and take a real look. Pause and really look around.
Many years ago on my first trip to the USA, I discover the delights of sour cream and chive crisps, (chips in the USA), I hated cheese and onion crisps in the UK, I brought a packet back for my family to taste, I got home and they were discussing, they tasted just like cheese and onion crisps. Being in the USA I was living the dream of milk and honey, everything was great and tasted great, coming home reality hit, the crisps were just the same!
It was very grounding of me, the realisation that I made up beliefs and dreams that didn’t meet reality. I guess we all do this. We live a dream of our own making, some dreams may be nightmares. Some dreams are about wanting something but the wall won’t let you get to it. The wall is also part of your dreams, what would it be like without the wall? Would the need to dream about what you want disappear because it is so easy to get or would you build another wall to keep the dream of wanting going? Trying and needing I find are ever so tiring, there is a more successful way to get what you’re trying for and that is not trying but allowing things to happen. Taking the wall down and allowing your dreams to manifest.
Sound stupid but it works, you may not get what you really wanted but something better will appear. Recently I’ve been wanting, really wanting something, this blog has open-end my eyes about it, time to take the wall down.
This blog and nearly all my other blogs I don't know what I'm going to write about, I let my fingers do the typing with an open and free mind. I'm sometimes shocked what appears, as I am today!
I’ve been getting more and more uptight recently but I didn’t know why, I do now, now I can do or rather non-do without my wall and let it manifest in whatever way it happens – I feel ever so grounded and positive, thank you for reading.
If you want to know more about how I work, then please contact me.
I may have maligned the working class but I guess everyone who loses the trust of someone, loses trust in what that person says and then they read between the lines to ensure their own survival. Unfortunately the way our brains work we may well transpose the lack of trust onto somebody else that has what your brains think have similar attributes to the person we originally lost trust with. We do this all the time, it is part of out nature to ensure that we can survive. It is the immediate response to someone we meet for the first time, sometimes we utterly trust the person, sometimes we have no trust, our gut feeling tells us so.
As with everything we have choices, let your gut tell you who to like or not, your gut may well be telling the truth, or tell yourself that you have never met this person before and start with a clean slate. Start with trust, perhaps not fully open trust but enough trust to start a relationship, just because they have similar attributes to someone you didn’t trust doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust them. Let this person earn your trust, you can only do this with an open heart and an observing mind then your gut will settle. There is another important choice we all make and that is the choice between giving and withholding consent.
Giving or withholding your love
Giving or withholding your friendship
Giving or withholding your time
Giving or withholding your connection to others
Giving or withholding your touch
Giving and withholding consent to yourself
Choosing whether to give or withhold consent takes only a moment, it is just a thought, we even do it to ourselves many times a day; you may be on a diet and you walk down the sugar canyon to the checkout at your store, I guess your consent switches many times with all the temptations whilst you wait to pay. Let’s move on, there’s another blog about sugar, obesity and greed.
Giving and withholding consent sounds very simple to do; there is a warning. It is how you go about it, if you choose out of greed, vengefulness, revenge or to cause pain then you will be hurt others and yourselves, your negativity will flow, if you are doing it to yourself you need to rethink what you are doing. If you are choosing your consent to help others even if it is out of love I’d suggest that will not help you in the long run, you will be giving too much and eventually wear yourself out.
The only healthy consent is choosing what gives you a healthy boundary between you, yourself and others. You are neither a pusher or grabber or observer in what ever relationship you have. Of course you will tend towards pusher, grabber, observer continually changing in all your relationships. What I ask is for you to notice which one you are in a moment of your choosing, does it feel like a gut feeling, out of love, or is it your mind telling you want to do. If either gut, heart or mind is overpowering the other two then I suggest that this choice is out of balance. You need to find another way that helps you with your healthy boundary with this relationship. What helps me is pause for a moment, notice where I am, notice my feet on the floor, my bum on the chair and my arms on the desk as I write, I notice that I’m in balance with gravity, I’m in continual movement and my joints are free to move now. Now I have my attention to myself and surrounding. I’m now open to giving consent, you may notice, I do, that my head, heart and gut come into sync and the quality of consent is contented. Hopefully that makes sense!
This pausing and resetting is ever so powerful, it give me clarity and finesse in what I give or withhold consent to, I can give or withhold trust in that moment or person because I know what I choose will maintain my health boundary. With this, there are no more reading between the lines!
I’ve been pondering what my last blog was about, the crux of it is be myself, be my own self worth, be who I think I am, be comfortable with my thoughts, however being all that does sometimes offend others as they have differing views on life or they may be on a different scale of measurement to mine.
The trouble with words is that they, more than often, become a form of measurement, a judgement, a criticism and that can very easily have a negative context to them, if not negative they get on the scale of judgement. This may be my view on life, being brought up to keep quiet and don’t show my face else I might get noticed! Very working class!!!
Being brought up as working class, every word is important, what is more important are the words that aren’t spoken, the look in the eye, the wry smile, this conditioning spoils the beauty of the spoken and written language as the trust is lost in the words; I’m on guard looking for what is REALLY BEING said. I guess most of the time what is being said is what is said, there is no sinister undertow of intent. I’ve noticed when I’m not comfortable with myself I default back to me working class roots and I start reading between the lines.
This is a hateful thing to do, to the person who communicated to me but more importantly to myself. I wrote, I’m more important, as it is me that is doing it. I believe that this is an anxious response to a stimulus, I’m getting ready for something that most probably will never happen, it’s in my thoughts and no-one else’s.
I do all this in a blink of an eye and I can also choose not to do all this in a blink of an eye. The trick is to notice first, something we can do with some practice. If we don’t notice what we are doing we are pretty well stuck until something breaks; sometimes we are so stuck in our habitual mess we can’t see a way out, we think we may as well just continue in the mess and see what will happens, I’ll let you into a secret, it just gets messier and messier until something breaks.
Stopping and having time to notice may seem the completely wrong thing to do when there is an urge to do something, in fact do anything; flailing around in the hope something will stick that will help.
Luckily now, I notice pretty quickly and can choose to return to balance by being an observer of the words spoken or written without reading between the lines for some sinister subtext.
The end of the year is very near, it’s just a couple of hours away; I’ve been thinking and reflecting on the past year. It’s been a busy year and it has flown by.
The end of the year is very near, it’s just a couple of hours away; I’ve been thinking and reflecting on the past year. It’s been a busy year and it has flown by.
I’ve written 39 blogs, there are a few blogs that may be worth reading again. The first comes to mind is when I visited the vets and I talked to a vet nurse about the Alexander Technique and demonstrated with her and the dogs in the kennels. This is better than smoking dope.
Another blog I liked was when I was in Bordeaux on a Alexander residential course. I discovered the essence of what the Alexander technique is; It’s all about love. I’ve just read it a gain, I was inspired through the work we did there.
In October I was feeling particularly anxious and could sleep so I wrote a blog exactly how I felt at 1AM. I find writing very cathartic, this blog helped me sleep that night.
And finally, yesterday I really enjoyed my coming out, this took a lot of courage and encouragement from a friend for me to write and then to post.
I hope you have enjoyed my blogs over this year and the previous years. I’ve enjoyed writing them and as I wrote above they are very cathartic for me, I’ve also come to learn that many have similar life issues and I’m not alone. I do encourage you to speak, write about the things that are holding you or find someone to help you, obviously I’m biased but find an Alexander Technique teacher to help you to rediscover your ease.
It’s early on Christmas morning, I wanted to sleep on but the dogs had another ideas or did they sense I’d woken. Anyway I’m up, the dogs have gone out and I’m drinking tea and writing far to early in the Christmas Day morning.
I’ve had many a Christmas morning, firstly with great expectations when I was a child, Santa was going to deliver the toy or game of the year, he didn’t, I got something else not quite what I wanted, I was disappointed but held a brave face; perhaps next year I’ll get what I want.
It never happened.
When I was with my children, they got the toys I’d always wanted and more. Christmas was fantastic but I still had an underlying feeling I didn’t get what I wanted.
Was I chasing a fantasy?
Divorce happened, my children and I separated by distance and financial cost, then parent alienation syndrome cut in and I was well and truly separated, I pined for the Christmas’s I had with my children. Nothing has helped with the sense of loss I’ve had for many years. Christmas has become the focus of my pain of loss. I’ve played games with myself by
having extravagant holidays at Christmas,
being thoroughly depressed at Christmas
being over generous at Christmas
Nothing seems to work, I’m still expecting the great expectation but I don’t know what it is. The separation from my children has made it even worse.
How can I not know what it is if I’m expecting it?
Christmas is a sad time of year as are their birthdays. Christmas is worse as everyone is ‘enjoying themselves’. Not everyone; there are many like me who brave the festive season with stomach churning pain. The pain is the loss and regret of others. This year I’m playing at ignoring Christmas, I’m too old for it, Christmas is for children, Christmas has gone commercialised.
Any excuse to ignore Christmas.
Reflecting on why Christmas is a great expectation. I think it all starts by being told to be good else Santa won’t bring you what you want. I was good and he didn’t, he broke his promise!
As a child my heart was broken every year because my great expectation didn’t materialise. In reality my parents could afford the latest and best presents for their children. Our society and commercialisation has a lot to answer for, I imagine there have been millions of children disappointed on Christmas morning and equally millions of parents spending beyond their means to satisfy the expectations of their children.
I have and you have been caught in the maelstrom of lost expectations that are the promises and dreams of Christmas’s past.
There is a simple present that everyone can have and give if they so wish.
That is love.
These great expectations are expecting something that is not love, the expectations are given in place of love, they are supposed to express love but they are only tangible gifts that can’t support love. They can support a memory of the time the gift is given. Love is in the person not the gift. There is a catch; to offer love you need to love yourself first, you need to be able to look yourself in a mirror without flinching away and tell yourself that you love the person you see in the mirrors reflection.
Loving yourself allows you to love others, then your gifts are tokens of your love.
Great expectations are an expectation of what others will provide you, they will never meet your expectations.
How about having no expectations from others and enjoy the shear joy of receiving their tokens of love.
This is what I’ve done this Christmas morning, it’s been wonderful with tears of joy, love and contentment with no great expectation.
Have a wonderful Christmas and pass your love on to all you know.
DO YOU ever have the thought of ah, I’ve arrived, then stop and switch everything off?
What I mean is switching your awareness off! Sometimes this is a very good thing and sometimes not so good. If it’s automatic then you don’t have the option to decide if it is good or not so good.
DO YOU seem to get pain somewhere when you do a particular activity?
Being in auto may be the reason why you have pain, you will have a habitual movement plan that you use that triggers pain, wouldn’t it be great to renew your movement plan!
There are many ways to suppress or relieve pain but somehow does your pain keeps coming back?
How can you get sustained relief from pain?
These questions can be answered by raising your awareness of yourself, you can get part way on your own however to get the full embodiment of yourself you will need help. You need a mirror of some sort, a real mirror, watch yourself on video or get someone with the skills I have to observe what you do in activity and then work together to develop a new movement plan that is pain free, this may seem impossible to achieve, I know it is not as I’ve witnessed it many times.
Pain may be coming back because of how you do things, you may work in auto without noticing very much; I’m sure you have wondered how
Your tea was made,
You missed a road junction on a road you travel regularly on,
If you cleaned your teeth this morning?
We are odd creatures; things get so habitual we don’t know we have done them.
This is equally true to how we do things,
Straining our eyes to look at something,
Looking busy by pulling a face.
Straining yourself to lift something then discovering it was really light, then possibly jarring your back because it was too easy.
Much of our pain comes from an activity that we did and you probably did the activity not in a very conscious way.
Pain is your body shouting really loudly to STOP doing it that way!
There is a way to stop most pain and that is to learn how to do things consciously. Meditation and other modalities will help; you can even learn consciousness on your own. It’s relatively easy to have a high level of consciousness when being still or working through a directed activity; the real test of consciousness is when we undertake your familiar activities whilst maintaining a high level of consciousness. This embodied use of yourself will reduce the risk of pain and possible injury.
Alexander Technique teachers are trained to be your mirror to help you see when you loose your embodiment; then offer ways to regain it. More so, we teacher you to realize that embodiment is available to you and everyone; it is only a conscious choice that many never realize they have this choice. I’ve found that many are very resistant to discovering there own embodied consciousness; I guess they are comfortable with their pain and beliefs; their pain is who they are but is it really?
Little do they know life is a whole lot better without the restrictions of pain and doubt?
Doubt stops investigation and experimentation,
Doubt keeps you where your are,
Doubt keeps you safe or so you think,
Doubt will stop you rediscovering the freedom and ease you had when you were a child.
Doubt has loaded you with pain by continually holding you back mentally and physically.
By improving your embodied consciousness doubt has less control over what you think and do; life becomes joyous and fun, the things you thought were troublesome melt away to nothingness. Please believe me this has happened to me and through applying the Alexander Technique.
If you live or work around Gloucestershire or the Forest of Dean please seek me out so I can teach you what I’ve learnt.
One of the activities I really hate but secretly love is running, it is one of those activities that I used to hold my breathe as I prepared to run hence I didn’t get far before I was out of breath!
A pretty obvious outcome but I couldn’t understand why I was always out off breath; it has only been in the recent years that I worked out that I do hold my breath, in fact I hold my breath to start most activities.
You may think this is a strange thing to do, I do now, and many of us have particular foibles when we start an activity. For strenuous activities including running I held my breath.
In fact, I held my breath to start any activity! I wonder what you do?
Now lets turn this around.
From my perspective, getting ready to do something is your ego getting ready by calling up its favourite but not so useful habits; my habit of breathe holding. If I quieten my ego then I’m ready to run and I don’t need to hold my breath, things just happen.
Being ready is a completely different sensation to getting ready.
Being ready I feel light and buoyant, all my joints have the freedom to move, my thinking is livelier and brighter.
Getting ready I feel heavy and locked, my joints are tight and reluctant to move, my thinking is wondering what is going to happen, as I write and experiment with my thoughts, my breath is becoming laboured, butterflies are appearing in my stomach.
Being ready and getting ready are both thoughts generated from my mind and I can choose which thought, I much prefer ‘being ready’ to ‘getting ready’ it is a much happier place however I still have a lingering habit of not choosing and going straight for ‘getting ready’.
The trick is to notice, pause for a moment and then choose. How to choose takes skill and plenty of practice; this is what I teach. We all have the capacity to be ready, with lightness, buoyancy with freedom to move; we just don’t choose it.
Most of our life we have been cajoled, bullied, taught, encouraged to get ready for things by holding, hunkering down, freezing, grimacing so we can demonstrate to others that we are getting ready; I was like that with running.
Last week I decided to take up running again, I joined a 0 to 5 km club, it was into the 6thweek of training, my first for several years. I choose to ‘be ready’, no ‘getting ready’, no holding my breath; it was a breeze. I really enjoyed the run, the circuit we ran was about 3.5 km, dispersed with periods of running and walking. The moments when I noticed I was starting to try harder because of a hill or I was drifting away from the pack, I refreshed on thoughts of being ready and my lightness and buoyancy returned; the gradient became easier and I floated closer to the pack.
We all have this power to choose but many think that life must be hard and difficult if it is to be at all successful, in fact the opposite is true!