Sometime years ago my Alexander Teacher gave me a questionnaire to fill in, I think it went of the STAT for analysis. One of the question was about why you choose the Alexander Technique. I replied about something about that it improved my wellbeing.
Improving my wellbeing was the truth but not the full truth, it was the only truth I could see. The real reason was well hidden in layers of protection and denial. I enjoyed the calm, peace and space I received during each lesson.
Looking back, I must have been a difficult student but I kept going back for more lessons.
On reflection, I was a bull in a china shop, I just wanted to plough on no matter what, I couldn’t stop as I would be found out that I was a fraud, I didn’t deserve the life my wife and I have built from scratch, something bad would happen if I stopped, I must keep going. My Alexander lessons were a 40 minute sanctuary where I could hide and be safe.
When the questionnaire appeared I was in a state of self loathing though successful in my work and my personal relationships. I had difficulty in breathing apart from the 40 minutes a week. I recon I was a mess.
Perhaps improving my wellbeing was right, when I started of this blog the plan was to get around to saying, “I use the Alexander Technique to manage my asthma”. Asthma was just a subset of my problems and at the time wasn’t accessable during a lesson. I seem to remember the majority of lessons were about stopping and non-doing but I didn’t really do the non-doing, I just paused for 40 minutes. I must have gotten something out of the lessons as I’m now doing my teacher training. It’s from what I know now I can reflect on the past. Stopping and non-doing have been a real challenge for me, i’m a doing sort of person, I like to get my back into things.
This non-doing stuff, can’t I just bypass it get on with things?
Changing from a doer to a non-doer takes time, for me a few years. I’m on the brink of becoming a non-doer, hence this flurry of blogs; I’ve been holding in for years and I want to let it out now. Being a non-doer gives me time to reflect and get things done, a real oxymoron. Having time to reflect gives time to plan and do with efficiency, effectively and efficaciously just as FM envisaged. And whoever or whatever was chasing me has given up the chase.