I made a big decision last week which I wrote about in Walking on Cornflour. No names or what the decision was, I think that is none of your business unless I’ve told you already.
I was told it was a brave decision, a bold decision, the right decision, it was a decision that empowered me. Well, after the euphoria of making this decision, I’m in the doldrums, a ship that has lost its rudder, just wallowing at sea. For a while it was great, I made a decision, now I need to get on and follow my dream.
I now need to work on my own, be self motivated, face my doubts alone, seek help from others. It seems a pretty daunting view, it is but is it really?
We my think that we always work with others but in reality it is me that gets me out of bed each morning because I’m motivated to do things, there may be outside pressures for this motivation, bills, rent, mortgage etc but it is me that sets the alarm and rises when the alarm goes off, I do snooze sometimes; well most days. I do get on live my day and make my choices throughout the day.
Making this decision, though being in the doldrums at the moment; I’ve been motivated to get on but stuck with thinking about options. I’ve got several decisions to make but first I need to contact people to discuss my options, maybe to change my lifestyle. I’ve got some big decisions to make, these decisions need to be authentic and true for me and also for my wife. Thinking and being in the doldrums are just a reaction, it feels like a period of mourning, perhaps it is. Part of my life has stopped and my new life is just about to start however I need a time to adjust. I want to get on but I want to take it carefully as well, I’m stuck in the doldrums; it’s just a reaction.
What I’ve learnt over the past few years is that whenever I feel like this it is time to stop and observe. See what’s going on in myself, within others and my environment. I’m being encouraged that I did the right thing, I’m told that I’m happier, settled and more focused.
But inside myself I’m a mixture of lets get on and what have I done. Its time to stop and do neither, just be in the moment and have an intention, a goal to work too but I’ll be content to change my goal as I develop my journey to somewhere, I haven’t a clue where I’ll end up but it’ll be the right place at the right time. This not knowing is very powerful as I haven’t brought along my doubts and fears along, they follow and try it interrupt me, I’m nice to them and they go away.
Not knowing isn’t quite not knowing, it’s knowing everything all at the same time, being present and observing then making choices on what I observe, this observation in how I see other behave, where I am and what I’m doing. We all do this all the time unfortunately most of us are a bit lazy and allow our habits to drive our emotions to respond and then behave in a particular way to as reaction. Stopping and observing first, with practice will take nanosecond or so, so nobody will notice, you’ll have choices that aren’t the habitual reaction, so you may say, “no” instead of your usual “yes” that you regret almost instantly.
Being empowered this way allows my life to be open, free and authentic, it is also less scary as my decisions are truthful.