It’s been a while since I wrote, this has been deliberate as my writing was getting into a habit, I wanted time to see if I could understand if writing blogs was me being hubris or something else. Was I trying to impress, was my writing a cry for help, a cry for love, a cry to be noticed.
After a week or so away from my keyboard, my answer is that it was all those at sometime, perhaps even now.
It wasn’t just not writing blogs that I decided to pause, I also decided to pause on my thinking and get on with things, my garden is looking a lot better for it.
I’ve been thinking so much that things had been neglected. My thinking had sort of frozen me to the spot.
This being frozen to the spot is desperately trying to be someone else, something else, I was trying to be successful at something that I am being successful at, that’s living.
I’ve been trying to steer myself by just the rudder only instead of using my balance and adjusting my sails, the rudder should be just used for the finest of adjustments to the course (I used to do a lot of sailing once upon a time). Using a skill at the wrong time just makes things difficult to control and a different result emerges. I was thinking too much so nothing got done, physical things just became insurmountable as I ran out of time because of all the unnecessary thinking.
I decided to take a break.
I decided to stop trying
I decided to let things happen.
This sounds that I have given up, it’s anything but!
I decided to engage my attention to myself and surroundings and have many intentions to achieve many things, not all at the same time.
My attention is an awareness of where I am, for example sitting in front of my keyboard typing and listening to John Lennon singing Working Class Hero, the sun is out, probably the hottest day of the year, we have a BBQ with friends later, I can feel the chair on my back. I’ve a slightly tight muscle in my neck. My attention is my typing and listening to the song I haven’t listened to for years. I also have the intention to write something that you will enjoy and learn from. A later intention will be entertaining and cooking the BBQ, why do men have to do the BBQ cooking?
The secret to all of this is to discover a way to help you to get into the here and now, having a clear intention clears away any doubt and worries that might appear – the ‘now’. The ‘here’ is bringing your attention to what you in any giving moment. There is a catch to all this, you can’t keep or hold on to the here and now or you attention and intention. These thoughts need to be continually refreshed and let go of. If you hold onto them they simply don’t work. The refreshing and letting go I find is quite difficult especially if something was significant and I want to keep the sensation or feeling. Equally you can’t try to recreate a moment using sensation of feelings; this is using only the rudder I mentioned earlier.
Give it ago, I guess you will just create some muscle tension somewhere and get a result you weren’t expecting.
I guess the message I’m writing is not to try too much, be in the moment, know where you are and what your surroundings are, have an intention. Once you get all that together, let it go and start again.
This does sound onerous and time consuming, it is, with practice the letting is go and starting again just takes a moment in time.
It’s worth it.