Twenty two years ago, give or take a few months I decided after a lot of arguments I left my wife and two sons, it was her or me to leave, we argued over this for a few months. I decided that my sons would be better off with their mother so I left. Not the brightest decision I’ve ever made but it is what had to be done at that point in my life. I don’t know if it was my ex’s thoughts but I got the feeling that she wanted me home to do her bidding, get a dead end job and be content with being Mr average. I suppose after being in the Royal Navy travelling around the world and having a good life I had no intention of being Mr average. I didn’t want to be tied to anyone’s apron strings.
This decision as you can imagine broke my family apart and from my view it’s still broken. I don’t know what my sons thoughts are as I haven’t seen them for many years. I’ve suppressed my feelings, denied that I haven’t had children all in the hope that I could cope with live without them. I’ve been very successful at this suppression, I just got asthma and loads of anxiety. Locked in fright and unable to breathe is not a good place to be, but I deserved it for leaving my sons.
Suppessing love just hurts in so many ways, it turns into self loathing and things just get worse and worse. I’ve tried several times to contact my sons but deep down I wanted to fail each time, so guess what, I failed each time. I’ve been too ashamed to meet them. It’s taken me 22 years to let my feelings out and write my thoughts. My love of my sons had never deminised and a long to welcome them into my life even after all this time.
I imagine I’m not alone with these thoughts, many thousands of estranged parents and child still have love for each other but are too scared to take the first step in making contact. I certainly was and I still am. May be sometime this year it could happen, I could make the first contact, may be my sons will contact me.
My journey in getting this far has been painful and I never thought I would get this far. For a while I didn’t know this was my journey at all. You may have read some of my blogs and how Alexander’s discovery has helped me to get to know me.
I started my Alexander Teacher training thinking that I could get away with just learning about the physical parts of the training, and avoiding the psychological aspects, I’ve was quite successful in my avoidance, I now think my teachers have been just waiting and waiting like the master in “The art of archery” until the right point in my training.
The right time started a few months ago, psychophysical unity really works, understanding that from my viewpoint that I’m number ONE, if I don’t look after myself no one will do it for me. Once I can love myself unconditionally then I can love others. There are no shortcuts to this discovery and it’s very real. There’s no faking it, you may be delusional at playing that you love yourself but others will notice your shallowness. It just doesn’t work. Truly loving yourself brings out the real you.
If I didn’t love myself, I would be using my asthma inhaler to keep me breathing and constantly fighting anxiety instead, with the help of some great Alexander Teachers, I’ve found happiness, love and just want to live my life. It would be even better with my sons and my new grand daughter.
I have two wishes for my readers, please discuss and maybe offer help to your friends that have estranged parents or children.
If your struggling with your life find an Alexander teacher, they may be able to help you. They certainly have helped me. It’s not an easy journey but well worth it.