There’s always two sides to a story

Twenty two years ago, give or take a few months I decided after a lot of arguments I left my wife and two sons, it was her or me to leave, we argued over this for a few months. I decided that my sons would be better off with their mother so I left. Not the brightest decision I’ve ever made but it is what had to be done at that point in my life. I don’t know if it was my ex’s thoughts but I got the feeling that she wanted me home to do her bidding, get a dead end job and be content with being Mr average. I suppose after being in the Royal Navy travelling around the world and having a good life I had no intention of being Mr average. I didn’t want to be tied to anyone’s apron strings. 

This decision as you can imagine broke my family apart and from my view it’s still broken. I don’t know what my sons thoughts are as I haven’t seen them for many years. I’ve suppressed my feelings, denied that I haven’t had children all in the hope that I could cope with live without them. I’ve been very successful at this suppression, I just got asthma and loads of anxiety. Locked in fright and unable to breathe is not a good place to be, but I deserved it for leaving my sons.

Suppessing love just hurts in so many ways, it turns into self loathing and things just get worse and worse. I’ve tried several times to contact my sons but deep down I wanted to fail each time, so guess what, I failed each time. I’ve been too ashamed to meet them. It’s taken me 22 years to let my feelings out and write my thoughts. My love of my sons had never deminised and a long to welcome them into my life even after all this time. 

I imagine I’m not alone with these thoughts, many thousands of estranged parents and child still have love for each other but are too scared to take the first step in making contact. I certainly was and I still am. May be sometime this year it could happen, I could make the first contact, may be my sons will contact me. 

My journey in getting this far has been painful and I never thought I would get this far. For a while I didn’t know this was my journey at all. You may have read some of my blogs and how Alexander’s discovery has helped me to get to know me. 

I started my Alexander Teacher training thinking that I could get away with just learning about the physical parts of the training, and avoiding the psychological aspects, I’ve was quite successful in my avoidance, I now think my teachers have been just waiting and waiting like the master in “The art of archery” until the right point in my training.  

The right time started a few months ago, psychophysical unity really works, understanding that from my viewpoint that I’m number ONE, if I don’t look after myself no one will do it for me. Once I can love myself unconditionally then I can love others. There are no shortcuts to this discovery and it’s very real. There’s no faking it, you may be delusional at playing that you love yourself but others will notice your shallowness. It just doesn’t work. Truly loving yourself brings out the real you.   

If I didn’t love myself, I would be using my asthma inhaler to keep me breathing and constantly fighting anxiety instead, with the help of some great Alexander Teachers, I’ve found happiness, love and just want to live my life. It would be even better with my sons and my new grand daughter.

I have two wishes for my readers, please discuss and maybe offer help to your friends that have estranged parents or children. 

If your struggling with your life find an Alexander teacher, they may be able to help you. They certainly have helped me. It’s not an easy journey but well worth it.

Alexander Technique, Uncategorized

My glasses don’t work anymore!

It was a comment from my wife this morning; “Do you know that all those glasses I’ve bought over the past years, none of the prescriptions work for me and some are worse than others! I know things change but my eye sight is getting better.” This statement is more poignant as she is my greatest critic of the training I’m doing to become an Alexander Technique  teacher.

Then she asked; “Why don’t the National Health Service use the Alexander Technique in helping people with health issues.” She really feels the benefit of my training.

Wow, if only. So why don’t the NHS use the services of Alexander Technique Teachers? My answer is politics and money, or rather who gets the money and they drive the politics. Now this is tongue in cheek and no evidence with the number I’ve stated.  So if each of us had a little thought of being present and about our primary directions then, say, 80% of prescribed drugs wouldn’t be needed as most people would be fit and well. How do you think the drug companies would feel about such a drop in profits. It is their interest to make a profit and I guess they will use every trick they have to defend their profit. I’ll leave you to ponder.







Alexander in the Forest

An interesting word, have a thought about really trying to do something, anything you like, it could be a thought about you trying your favourite sport or a thought about something like trying to open a door or trying to take the lid off a jar, there’s an awful lot of trying if the lid is really tight.

I’ve only asked you to think about it, did any of your muscles tighten in preparation in just thinking about trying what eve you tried; I certainly felt my neck muscles tighten at just the thought.

This topic came about at the Bristol Alexander School this week, where I’m into my second of three years of teacher training.  In normal parlance we say try or trying may times a day when we want to do something. During our discussion at the Bristol Alexander School , we came to the conclusion that when we say…

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Empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

So why self-empathy?

Yesterday I wrote the blog Being ill brings back all the demons, one of the comments I received was from Lynn Brice Rosen about Compassion for Self. This got me thinking; having had a career in marine engineering, the tendency was to push and push to get things done in time for the ship to sail.  Some deadlines where extremely tight, once I managed to get off a ship in the lock as it was about to set to sea and another I was stuck on a ship for a few days before they could land me. These instances sort of set your mind.

Get things done on time or else.

Not very Alexandrian!

I never considered myself first, the job came first, if i wore myself out i wasn’t trying hard enough. Alcohol certainly smoothed the edges.


I’m in the photo probably in both, top one in the engine room

and middle row in the centre

HMS Pollington M1173 Ships Company 1981 (1).galley_thumbHMS Pollington

I feel I’ve come along way since my days at sea. I served on ships as well as fixing them for others.

It’s taken me some time to understand that if I don’t look after myself I’m little help to anyone else. It’s the usual thing, knowing, understanding and doing are all miles apart, I’ve known and understood this concept but never done it, that’s until very recently.

I seem to have had different personalities, the knowledgable, the understanding and the accepting, The accepting never got look in, it’s easier to ponder and think than show the real me, nobody will like the real me, I even don’t know who he is, will I like him?

Probably not, I’ve never known him.

That’s where self-empathy helps, it allows the understanding and the knowledgable a chance to listen to the accepting and understand and share his feelings, and possibly give the accepting some space to grow and be an equal partner in my life. When it happened to me a few weeks ago it was utterly overwhelming, my friends really do love and care for me, they don’t play at it! I can be and am very content with myself and can allow compassion for myself and from my compassion I can pass it to others.

Unfortunately this self compassion is new to me and when I caught a cold i reverted to habit as I’ve written in my blog Being ill brings back all the demons. So thank you Lynn Brice Rosen for reminding about compassion for Self.

“And here’s where the Compassion for Self is so needed…. How often our AT awareness can pull us down [!!!] into self-criticism and judgment, when what’s most needed is the awareness & experiencing of both”

Does Compassion for Self = Self Empathy.