It’s early on Christmas morning, I wanted to sleep on but the dogs had another ideas or did they sense I’d woken. Anyway I’m up, the dogs have gone out and I’m drinking tea and writing far to early in the Christmas Day morning.
I’ve had many a Christmas morning, firstly with great expectations when I was a child, Santa was going to deliver the toy or game of the year, he didn’t, I got something else not quite what I wanted, I was disappointed but held a brave face; perhaps next year I’ll get what I want.
It never happened.
When I was with my children, they got the toys I’d always wanted and more. Christmas was fantastic but I still had an underlying feeling I didn’t get what I wanted.
Was I chasing a fantasy?
Divorce happened, my children and I separated by distance and financial cost, then parent alienation syndrome cut in and I was well and truly separated, I pined for the Christmas’s I had with my children. Nothing has helped with the sense of loss I’ve had for many years. Christmas has become the focus of my pain of loss. I’ve played games with myself by
- ignoring Christmas,
- having extravagant holidays at Christmas,
- being thoroughly depressed at Christmas
- being over generous at Christmas
Nothing seems to work, I’m still expecting the great expectation but I don’t know what it is. The separation from my children has made it even worse.
How can I not know what it is if I’m expecting it?
Christmas is a sad time of year as are their birthdays. Christmas is worse as everyone is ‘enjoying themselves’. Not everyone; there are many like me who brave the festive season with stomach churning pain. The pain is the loss and regret of others. This year I’m playing at ignoring Christmas, I’m too old for it, Christmas is for children, Christmas has gone commercialised.
Any excuse to ignore Christmas.
Reflecting on why Christmas is a great expectation. I think it all starts by being told to be good else Santa won’t bring you what you want. I was good and he didn’t, he broke his promise!
As a child my heart was broken every year because my great expectation didn’t materialise. In reality my parents could afford the latest and best presents for their children. Our society and commercialisation has a lot to answer for, I imagine there have been millions of children disappointed on Christmas morning and equally millions of parents spending beyond their means to satisfy the expectations of their children.
I have and you have been caught in the maelstrom of lost expectations that are the promises and dreams of Christmas’s past.
There is a simple present that everyone can have and give if they so wish.
That is love.
These great expectations are expecting something that is not love, the expectations are given in place of love, they are supposed to express love but they are only tangible gifts that can’t support love. They can support a memory of the time the gift is given. Love is in the person not the gift. There is a catch; to offer love you need to love yourself first, you need to be able to look yourself in a mirror without flinching away and tell yourself that you love the person you see in the mirrors reflection.
Loving yourself allows you to love others, then your gifts are tokens of your love.
Great expectations are an expectation of what others will provide you, they will never meet your expectations.
How about having no expectations from others and enjoy the shear joy of receiving their tokens of love.
This is what I’ve done this Christmas morning, it’s been wonderful with tears of joy, love and contentment with no great expectation.
Have a wonderful Christmas and pass your love on to all you know.
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