Tag Archives: authenticity

That Friday Feeling


Yesterday was one of those days, it was Friday, the end of the week. I got home and it was time to say aaaah.

The weekend had begun.

All those tasks I’ve put off all week because I was too busy working can now be done, or is that a dream. Can I really do all those tasks and at the same time chill out over the weekend, it’s only two days no time at all.

What I’ve noticed that looking forward to Friday spoils the rest of the week, the rest of the week is sort of on hold whilst the clock ticks slowly, ever so slowly until Friday evening; the start of the weekend. Then the clock immediately speeds up to fast forward until the alarm goes off on Monday morning, where did my weekend go, I didn’t have time to get anything done, maybe next weekend.

The cycle begins again and again.

Looking forward to something is a good thing but if this a major thought you have every other thought will suffer, wanting something that is just out of reach is just dreaming.

There is an easy way to sort this out, stop dreaming of something better, you will never get there, it is all in your imagination. Start doing something to achieve your dream.

Sometimes the easiest things to do are the hardest to achieve, you may or will need help.

The first step is to get help, either from yourself or someone else. The help you can give yourself is pausing for moments and reflecting on what you are thinking, if you are dreaming change your thought to something you can see or touch, perhaps your feet contacting with the floor. Examine the contact with the floor, if you are wearing shoes the connection between your feet through your shoes to the floor.

Do you have the potential to move your ankles? Please don’t move them but be intrigued that you have the potential for your ankles to move if and when you have the intention to do so.

You may now be a little more in the moment, your dream is quietly waiting to be the centre of your thoughts again. Your dream may well contain an intention to achieve something, now take the opportunity to get on and do something that will eventually lead you to your dream. Perhaps slow the weekend clock down so you can do all this things you promised yourself.

Your dreams can be with you but not at full volume, turn the volume down and increase the volume of being in the present moment, you may discover your dreams are not to far away, they are with you now in this very moment.

Enjoy life now don’t go looking for it or waiting for it.

 

 

 

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My lovely bubbly friend


Do you find that being happy, being a life and soul of the party tiring?

Do you ever wish for quiet but you too scared to go there? If you’re bubbly and loving then everyone will love you. If you stop being bubbly and lovely they won’t like you anymore.

I’ll let you in to a secret, your friends will love you for who you are and not what you are trying to be, trying to be lovely and bubbly is just a front, a front that hides a lovely bubbly person.

Trying just gets in the way of life, just STOP IT.

Stopping may be hard cruel thing to say; STOP IT.

Emotions can be like a pendulum, when with friends the trying starts and you are lovely and bubbly however when you are alone the pendulum swings the other way, the trying moves to an upsetting way, the opposite to my lovely bubbly friend.

STOP IT.

STOP IT doesn’t really work, STOP IT is the goal, the end state, there is a journey you need to travel on to reach your goal. This takes time and commitment, non-judgmental commitment.

With all journeys you need a plan on how you are going to get there with the acknowledgement that the journey may go down dead ends and detours until you reach your goal, oh the goal may change as well as you learn things along your journey.

Once you have your plan, the first activity you need to do is to notice what’s happening within you when you feel uneasy. Live with the unease for a few moments so that you can better notice it the next time it appears. My trigger is a tightening in my stomach, yours may be that, it may be something else, perhaps eyes glazing as you start thinking about what may happen in the future.

When you notice pause for a moment, and make a decision. The decision can be anything, carry on with thinking about the future, cuddle your dog, or something completely different.

You may need a distraction from your worry, you may need a distraction from trying to be lovely and bubbly, slowing you pendulum down so that all your trying slowly disappears, it’s scary but you will discover your authentic self; I know who you are, you are a lovely, bubbly fantastic person witha personality that just emits love to whoever you meet. You need to rediscover this person, your authentic self.

I have some ideas that may help you on your journey.

I want you to do nothing, there’s a lot to do to do nothing, I want you to notice any excessive muscular tension during these thoughts and ideas, if there is you’re are doing to much. Pause and restart the idea.

If you are sitting slide your hands between the chair and bottom, you have two boney bits, these are your sit bones, wobbly around so that you can notice and develop some feeling sensations around these bones, take you hands out and wobbly again on the chair, you should now be able to feel more weight going though your sit bones on to the chair.

You first activity when you notice your worry rising, find your sit bones, you don’t need to use your hands again just the contact with the chair will do, if you are standing wobble around so that you can notice your weight passing thought your feet to the ground.

Thoughts just last a moment then they are no use, they are history. Let the thought go and another will appear, let that one of again, keep your attention to your sit bones, if standing, your feet, let that thought go as well and the next thought and the next, just have your attention to where you are being supported by the ground, let that thought go as well. You may notice that your worries have disappear. There is no space or time from them, if they do arise go back to where you are being supported from the ground, let the thought go, let it go over and over again, faster and faster. I find I have greater clarity and authenticity in my thinking, how is it for you?

This is the first step in discovering your authentic self, my lovely bubbly friend.

Remember if a worry appears, focus your attention your sit bones and let the thoughts go over and over again.

More to follow.

With a side order of happiness

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Rediscover your elegance


When I go to London, I sometimes meet a woman sometimes I don’t; Last night I did. She was doing her usual thing being very busy, being very efficient. She always stops what she’s doing and we have a chat and a catch up from last time we met.

This blog is about her.

What I see is a very capable woman however she doesn’t know how capable she is;

  • she tries to hard,
  • she works too hard,
  • she tries to please to hard.

Her trying stops her true potential to shine through, I’m just the same as are many others.

Trying is a vicious circle which is maintained by the doubt of not being good enough, not being good enough make you want to try harder and harder, becoming a slave to your own self doubt.

Once stuck in this circle of trying and doubting it is very hard to see a way out, some may want you to stay in it as become a reliable employee or so they think!

Trying and doubting are exhausting, wouldn’t it be better to be good at what you do without all that effort!

The first thought is to notice your surroundings whilst going about what you are doing, you may have an intention to get somewhere but enjoy the journey. It probably won’t take anymore time and you maybe quicker however you’ll get there happy, contented and more at ease.

Enjoy the space that you are in, we all occupy space as we move around, have a thought about how eligant you are as you move around in your space. However don’t float around in your elegance, you need to use the support from the ground, enjoy the touch of the ground with your feet as you elegantly move in your space.

Now include your surroundings with your elegance, so your space now includes the room you are in, the people, table, chairs, just everything. There is a catch however, if you feel doubt then you are holding on to a thought. Thoughts are like a film reel with on image for each frame. If the projector stops on a frame the projected image will freeze

I thought it was just chocolate


We’ve had a week of ups and downs and sometimes nothing, it’s been horrible, we have only just survived.

Luckily after several pleading phone calls to strangers it’s all sorted out.

What shocked me was I thought I could live without or live with it when it was in short supply.

I could understand if this was;

  • water
  • food
  • shelter from the weather
  • heating
  • transport
  • electricity

but

broadband!!!!

I struggled because of broadband, I couldn’t do things that I took for granted. I wasn’t just me it was my phone, my music;

  • they wouldn’t play my music
  • they wouldn’t connect to each other, I thought my wifi would look after that, obviously not, its broadband they need.

It was an annoying week but I got used to it, I started reading books made out of paper – whatever next!

Actually I read quite a lot of books print on paper, perhaps not as many as I could if the internet wasn’t so available.

The Internet has been with us for the past decade or so and is now so embedded in our lives it’s difficult to understand how we live without it. Just three or four days without it was initially difficult and annoying but I soon got used to it. I enjoyed not being pulled to my screen to check up on the world, I got a sense of freedom from the chains of the internet.

This did get me thinking about how we cope with change, firstly I was very annoyed and angry then I calmed down and developed a coping strategy. My coping strategy was to stop checking the latency, download and upload of my internet connection and get on with other things. I shed the need to check up on the world every few minutes and let it be.

My behaviour, I suspect, was normal but what I was doing was observing myself going thorough these emotions, where I felt it physically; my anger in my stomach and sensing lightheadedness because I wasn’t in control of my internet, my head pulling down with despair. I must say that these where quite subtile sensations but they were there all the same. When I changed my view and started doing other things these sensations diminished though there was a longing to use the internet again.

How about giving it a try, stop doing something that you habitual use or do for a couple of days, it could be not using the internet for a couple of days, or my other habits; chocolate and coffee.

You will have your own habit you could experiment with.

So to remind you, it is not about stopping whatever you choose to stop, it is noticing the thoughts and what happens in you physically when you can’t have what you want. It is best to note what you are feeling as and when they appear and also what you did when you noticed.

Please be safe and if gets too much, stop the experiment. I’d love to hear about your experience.

If you want to know more you could always join my mailing list.

Alexander = Simplicity


I spoke to a friend tonight about my recent decisions, she didn’t know until I told her, just before I left on my new journey.

She was very unset in that moment but I didn’t have time to explain. I tried to call, but her phone number had changed, it wasn’t until tonight I got her new number and we chatted. I was concerned and worried that I had upset her by my leaving. I got the impression that it was not only me that found it difficult, everyone one else felt the same; I left a hole in the team. The team will heal and move on, as will I.

Sometimes decisions have to be made to benefit yourself, this one was for me no matter what disruption it caused.

I’ve learnt over the past few years that I need to look after myself first then and only then can I look after others. It gives me a grounding to do other things, it gives me a grounding that allows my authenticity to evolve and grow. It gives my authenticity the authority to notice and be confident to stop things that I’m uncomfortable with. My authority allows my to make choices that meet my authenticity. My authenticity helps me to get grounded.

So being true to myself develops a virtuous circle of empowerment.

We chatted, we chatted for a long time, it was a good talk, an open honest discussion.

Above was written several weeks ago and now with time to reflect I now have some more thoughts I’d like to share

So what next for me and them, they will do whatever they do, I will have my own things to do. In fact, I now have started my new plan and it is my plan instead of working to someones schedule, expectations and beliefs.

My decision was made because I was trying to be someone I wasn’t, I was trying to be someone I thought they wanted me to be. I don’t know if they wanted me to be that person, probably not, I did’t know but still tried. By leaving I broke the cycle of trying.

I’ve now discovered that I only need to be one person and it is the authentic person I mentioned above. Discovering how to be authentic was what I was trying to do by modelling myself on a vision of myself.

This just doesn’t work,

  • I thought I knew better,
  • I was taking a shortcut,
  • I was avoiding the truth,
  • I was scared of the truth,
  • I was scared what the authentic me looked like,
    • behaved like,
    • spoke like,
    • thought like.

I was unwilling to look for my authentic self so I applied my deception and deflection tactics in the vain hope that nobody including myself would notice.

Oh joy, how I’ve been deluding myself!

I’ve got an email string with someone, it’s about Alexanders discovery and the email title is “Alexander: Simplicity” I can’t remember how it got that title, it doesn’t matter but it does sum up quite succinctly Alexanders discoveries. What I’ve been doing all my life is trying to understand how things including myself work, it is fantastic as a marine engineer fixing equipment on ships, but trying to work out how I work just puts too much load on my thinking and things just stop working as efficiently as they should. This thinking includes trying to be someone I think I should be.

It is just a waste of time and effort.

So what to do instead, very simply: do nothing and wait.

That doesn’t read too well, it’s a little more than nothing, it is allowing your psycho-physical unity and your head-neck-back relationship to work as it should; it is applying Alexanders discovery, if you want to know more, then please subscribe to my mailing list where I go into the discovery in more detail, it is free and you can unsubscribe at any point.

Alexander = simplicity

 

 

 

 

 

Do terrible 2’s always change to angry adults


Do you know I get really angry with some people, they just won’t listen. Some of these people have never even seen me, we have never physically met nor communicated in any way  but they still make me angry.

Does this sound familiar? Politicians are my favourite to be angry with at the moment.

So if they don’t know me and we have never met how do they know I’m angry with them, it would be good for them to know, as I’m using plenty of angry energy on them. The probability is that they will never know I’m angry with them so why am I being angry with them. I’m guessing they have breached my beliefs, they have gone beyond what I’m comfortable with, someone sometime ago breached my beliefs and I had a tantrum. I don’t know when it was or who it was but my tantrum got the result I wanted. I may have used the tantrum over and over again and it produced the result I wanted. This tantrum was successful so I stored it away with my other habits. Everytime I needed this tantrum it was there for me, being like all habits it likes to survive so after each use it reviews what was successful and what was not, it changes a little, some bits are retired and new bits added, so it it really for the next time.

Over time the tantrum morphs into anger.

Many people will just stay that way, they develop from the terrible 2’s to angry adults, negativity works for them or so they think.

I think negativity doesn’t work as it just makes you ill, it may take many years but will get you eventually.

Negativity generates more negativity, a vicious circle! Wouldn’t it be better to be less angry.

This seem to be my theme over my past few blogs, stop and notice.

Notice what makes you angry, it maybe someones stupidity it maybe what someone says. If you aren’t close enough to challenge them to consider a change, then perhaps you could tone down you response to their stupidity. This takes some practice to notice when you start to be angry, it’s even more difficult to notice that you are going to be angry, noticing those triggers that set off your anger.

I’ve done a few years training to discover these things firstly in myself and then others, my training also taught me some simple skills on how to think differently. If you want to know more you could join my mailing list, it free and you have no commitment to do anything.

 

 

Play with my thoughts


Another day and another dollar, doesn’t that sound depressing, it does for me, I have thoughts of just slowly treading along doing meaningless, unfulfilling work year in and year out.

The slow trickle of depression sucking you down and down until you can’t function anymore until there isn’t a dollar a day, cast on the heap of worn out workers waiting for your maker. Is that what life is about, I think it is for some but it doesn’t have to be that way. I was being suck down with depression for years without even knowing it, it effected my breathing, how I behaved with people, I did enjoy the effects of alcohol as it hid my problems each evening, it helped me sleep then the day started again.

Another day and another dollar. 

This happened for years until recently when I discovered that the only person how was allowing the slow trickle of depression to suck me down was ME. It was hard to believe that I was causing myself to hurt myself, nobody has ever told that I could just hurt myself by thinking, but it is true.

So a started my slow journey from depression to where I am today: I don’t know where I am on the scale from 1 to 10 but I know I’m not at rock bottom though I was there once. I was probably lucky as I disguised my depression as asthma so I got inhalers instead of anti-depressants. I guess my slow journey would be a very slow journey if I was stuck with anti-depressants.

I discovered that my habits effect how I function and how I function effects my habits. So by doing something new I learn a new habit then I use the new habit to do that something again, the habit and the activity added together to create an improved habit, this cycle continues infinitum for depressive habits things just get worse and worse.

The secrets are firstly you need to notice that your thoughts are causing these thoughts, there may be relationships with people and organisations that trigger these thoughts but it is you that has the thought. Noticing is really difficult as you have nurtured these habits to survive and you won’t be willing to let them go so you will keep them we hidden from yourself however others have skills to expose your habits and help you to deal with them.

The way I learnt was to become more observant in my daily activities, simple thinks like when I get a nervous cough, I ask myself what was I thinking just before I started to cough. I may be because I was thinking of an awkward situation later on in the day and this triggered my cough. Once I’ve identified my thoughts I can play with the thought and ask myself if it happening now, No it’s later on in the day. If it’s not happening now then it may never happen, so why worry, why cough. I don’t have any control over others thoughts and actions so again so what I’m thinking about what they my say or do may never happen so why worry, why cough. This play on my thoughts brings me back to reality and I also have a physical feedback to check if i’ve stopped worrying, may cough.

This play can be done on any physical action but first you need to notice the action and the thought that triggered it.

If you want to now more I’ve a mailing list where you can receive more useful ideas

 

Something new for the better


It’s nearly the end of the year, so perhaps it is time to ponder.

What I’ve realised this year is that I have for many many years wanted to please others, even when it felt wrong, awkward, something that is not useful to myself.

I have a worry alarm in my stomach, a sensation that makes me more aware if something feels wrong or awkward or strange. Unfortunately it is very close to the ‘something new for the better’ warning they both have very similar sensations but there is a subtly; this subtly is easily missed and the wrong choice could be made.

Like making a purchase, say a car. You go into the showroom, you know what you want but as you discover more the worry alarm switches on, it doesn’t feel right so its time to stop and leave, however you’re caught by the sales person who explains why you need this car and it does have an easy payment plan. Little do you know that the sales person has the skill to move your worry button over to the ‘something new for the better’ warning and your hooked with a car you nearly wanted but didn’t, you now own a car you but you didn’t really want it.

This happened to me this year except I didn’t buy, left the showroom really tempted. I thought for a while in fact a couple of days, I needed time to reset my worry button. In hindsight my worry button was correct and I’m still looking for a replacement car.

Our feelings are emotive and sometimes don’t reflect reality, we all know this and some use this knowledge for their own benefit, the benefit of their employers and sometimes to the detriment of the customer.

It can happen the other way as well, the ‘something new for the better’ warning can start flashing, so you go with the opportunity, really enjoy the opportunity but something changes over time and the worry alarm starts, firstly there is denial as I know this opportunity is right so the worry alarm is just plain wrong. Then just persisting in suppressing the worry alarm until eventually it just gets too loud.

Time to change tack and do something else.

This also happened to me as well, I left the Alexander Technique Training school I was training in to seek another, my worry alarm was persistently ringing that something wasn’t right with my relationship with the school, I’d become stuck in the habits of the relationship between the school and myself. This is a difficult worry alarm to accept but once accepted it’s a great release.

The art of identifying the difference between the alarm and warning is to turn off all the  hype, bling and noise associated with whatever sets the alarm or warning off, if the alarm is still ringing walk away, if the warning is still there you now have the choice to go with it or not.

So whats happened to me this year is that I’ve started to listen to myself, my worry alarm and my ‘something new for the better’ warning. In the past I just ignored the warnings and just got on with doing what I was being told to do by others. Stopping and reflecting give me time and opportunity to do what I want to achieve, it is very empowering and freeing. Being my authentic self really helps, thought it is taking time for my family and friends to come to terms with the new me as I now say  what I think, well most of the time.

Have a great 2017.

Pass your beauty on to others


Christmas is almost over, it’s a time when people either love it or hate it. I’m one of the later. It brings back memories of lost loves and lost families. I wonder what they are doing,  why don’t they contact me, why don’t I contact them? I seem to be stuck in my stubbornness to resolve these contacts, perhaps I like the hurt that this time of the year brings, perhaps it’s because I’m a bad person and deserve to feel this way.

I’ve hated Christmas for a couple of decades, I’ve tried many coping methods to live through this week; getting drunk, going away on holiday, food and TV for the week, being busy and walking. Some years a mix of them all, some years it works and I get through the week without any sadness, some years it is a week from hell.

This Christmas has been a particularly good time for me, I did have a dull point on Boxing Day morning. I spoke to my wife about it and she reminded me that we have friends that support us as we support them. Reminiscing of what could have been doesn’t help me or anyone else. I don’t have control of the past as I don’t have control of the future, so perhaps I might have control of what is happening now. Maybe, maybe not; I really don’t have the answer to this, I find this is a profound and impossible question to answer.

Being present has so many facets, so many habits, beliefs and behaviours it is really difficult to know if I have control of what is happening in this very moment.

Take typing, some people can touch type and don’t have a care where their fingers are going, they know that what they think will appear on the screen. They have had years of constructive training to magically get words appearing on the screen, I’m jealous. I’m partly trained, I know where the keys are but I still have to check the keyboard that I’m typing correctly, it’s so annoying.

A proficient typist has a different view on whats happening in the same moment than me, I’m concentrating on typing words correctly and they may be thinking about the sentence structure and story.  These comparisons can be applied to an athlete and a spectator watching the athlete. They are both in the same moment, at the same location but they are having completely different experiences. We don’t know what mental anguish anyone is going through at any one moment. We may see things physically but psychologically things may not be visible. You may see my eyes moving from the screen to the keyboard but you may not my annoyance of not being able to touch type.

You may see the athlete beat their record but you may not see the pain they are in. The spectator may be enjoying the athlete get their personal best but can you see the anguish they are suffering and they are only watching the athletics to get away from their suffering. The same is for Christmas, just because you are enjoying the festivities others may be there quietly and politely suffering from memories of the past, these make Christmas a painful time of year.

From my point of view, don’t get involved in the memories of those who are suffering but instead offer them love and support, dwell in the moment and make every moment you are with them a moment to remember. Be your authentic beautiful self and pass your beauty onto others then we will all have fun over this festive season.

Remember some people don’t like New Year, so here’s another opportunity to pass your beauty on to others.

Simply change the volume in your chest cavity


This is a series about breathing, the first part is Troublesome Breathers

Try this out, but first please read Troublesome Breathers.

Intertwine your fingers of your hands, knuckles pointing up. Now imaging your knuckles are your diaphragm and your arms are your ribs.

I’m going to ask you to move your hands up and down, if you can keep your shoulders quiet so they don’t move too much.

Hopefully you are sat down, if not please sit down.

Now lift your hands up, if your shoulders are still your elbows should come close to your body. Do this activity a few times and notice what your elbows are doing.

Hopefully you have done this a few times and may be discovered something, if you want add a comment of what you have noticed.

Now for more imagination; your fist is your diaphragm, your arms are your ribs and your shoulders are the joint where your ribs attach to your spine. Hopefully that makes sense.

Now raise your fist, what happens to your arms? For me my arms rotate about my shoulders and are drawn into the side of my chest.

Now lower your fist, what happens to your arms? For me my arms rotate about my shoulders and my arms move away from the side of my chest.

This is what happens to your ribs when your diaphragm rises and lowers.

Air is exhausted from your lungs by two major activities, your diaphragm rising and your ribs rotating downward that reduces the volume of your chest cavity.

Air is inhaled in to your lungs by two major activities, your diaphragm descending and your ribs rating upward that increase the volume of your chest cavity.

Now for a warning – please be seated the first time you experiment with this activity and stop if you get dizzy.

Revisit the activity of moving your fist up and down in front of your chest, notice your arms moving in and out to the side. Do it a few times.

Move your fist to the lowest point in the activity above, now this time imagine your fist your diaphragm. Breath out, as you are breathing out raise your fist, stop when you want to, don’t do any forcing. Now on your in breath allow your fist to lower as your diaphagm descends.

Repeat a few times.

Stop if you feel light headed or dizzy.

Repeat again but this time synchronise your diaphragm with your fist and your ribs with your arms. As your diaphragm rises your fist rises and your ribs descend as do your arms, reducing the volume in your chest cavity.

As your diaphragm descends with your fist your ribs rotate up and away as do your arms, increasing the volume in your chest cavity.

That is how we breathe, we simply change the volume in the chest cavity, on the in breath a partial vacuum is created as the chest cavity volume is increased, air is drawn in to balance the chest pressure with atmospheric pressure. On the out breath the air in the chest cavity is displaced as the diaphragm and ribs reduce the chest cavity volume.

You may have notice a change in your breathing, when I practice this I have a change in the quality a my breath, it’s hard to describe apart from it feels cleaner and I feel more buoyant.

Here’s another warning, take care, wait a moment, you may feel light headed so remain seated until you feel safe to move.

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