Tag Archives: doing

Depression hides the years 


Sometimes it is hard to be a man, there is a lot of expectation from others.

  • Your reliable
  • The stalwart of …
  • The bread winner
  • Stoic
  • Trustworthy

All these things and more eventually get men down, they just want to be themselves but don’t know how to be themselves.

From a very early age they have learnt to be men;

  • they don’t cry
  • they are tough
  • nothing hurts them
  • they club together doing manly things

This is what separates men from women!

However all this trying to be something they are not eventually gets to much and something snaps. Then,

  • Divorce
  • Family separation
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Physical Illness because of the above
  • Alienation from the manly clubs

All of a sudden the things that us men have been trying to achieve are now valueless, we are valueless, we are middle-aged with all our dreams broken. In the UK this is the point many men commit suicide; their dreams are shattered and there is nothing to live for.

I’ve survived and I’ve been through all this, it’s not nice but luckily I can’t remember much as depression hides the years.

One of the things that has helped my, especially in the last few years is that I am good enough as I am. A hard thing to grasp when self hatred is everywhere, please believe me, you are good enough. So you are good enough, so you don’t need a try.

I’ve discovered trying is such a no no, We are brought up to try at everything.

  • Trying to be reliable
  • Trying to be a stalwart
  • Trying to be the bread winner
  • Trying to be stoic
  • Trying to be trustworthy.

We can be all these things and more without trying. Life is easier without trying and life is fun, people treat you differently when you don’t try, they can see your authentic self without sifting though all the layers of trying. They smile at you, they are comfortable near your space, life is just happier.

Breaking the myths about men would be great, so men

  • can cry
  • are tough but also tender
  • things do hurt them
  • can club together doing manly and other things
  • can be their authentic selves

Changing the habit of trying is extremely difficult as we are deeply conditioned to try. It takes time but is achievable, I did it so it’s not impossible. Start at the small things, notice something that you do that annoys you, something that won’t change the world but you will be pleased as its one less thing that annoys you.

Notice when it happens and don’t do anything about it, just notice and observe. Notice and observe a few times, you should get better at noticing it and you may notice the urge before you do it. When you notice the urge perhaps sometimes do something different or don’t follow urge by doing it, you have given yourself choices , make the most appropriate one each time, you may want it scratch the itch or not. You now have options.

With practice you should be able to notice more and make more choices in what you want to do. As I wrote this takes time and you may discover that you are the one in control of your own life, you can make your life happy or sad, vengeful or forgiving, You have the choice.

This is my journey, if you want to know my, then please join my mailing list to find out more.

It is not just men who have these problems, women do as well.

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My lovely bubbly friend


Do you find that being happy, being a life and soul of the party tiring?

Do you ever wish for quiet but you too scared to go there? If you’re bubbly and loving then everyone will love you. If you stop being bubbly and lovely they won’t like you anymore.

I’ll let you in to a secret, your friends will love you for who you are and not what you are trying to be, trying to be lovely and bubbly is just a front, a front that hides a lovely bubbly person.

Trying just gets in the way of life, just STOP IT.

Stopping may be hard cruel thing to say; STOP IT.

Emotions can be like a pendulum, when with friends the trying starts and you are lovely and bubbly however when you are alone the pendulum swings the other way, the trying moves to an upsetting way, the opposite to my lovely bubbly friend.

STOP IT.

STOP IT doesn’t really work, STOP IT is the goal, the end state, there is a journey you need to travel on to reach your goal. This takes time and commitment, non-judgmental commitment.

With all journeys you need a plan on how you are going to get there with the acknowledgement that the journey may go down dead ends and detours until you reach your goal, oh the goal may change as well as you learn things along your journey.

Once you have your plan, the first activity you need to do is to notice what’s happening within you when you feel uneasy. Live with the unease for a few moments so that you can better notice it the next time it appears. My trigger is a tightening in my stomach, yours may be that, it may be something else, perhaps eyes glazing as you start thinking about what may happen in the future.

When you notice pause for a moment, and make a decision. The decision can be anything, carry on with thinking about the future, cuddle your dog, or something completely different.

You may need a distraction from your worry, you may need a distraction from trying to be lovely and bubbly, slowing you pendulum down so that all your trying slowly disappears, it’s scary but you will discover your authentic self; I know who you are, you are a lovely, bubbly fantastic person witha personality that just emits love to whoever you meet. You need to rediscover this person, your authentic self.

I have some ideas that may help you on your journey.

I want you to do nothing, there’s a lot to do to do nothing, I want you to notice any excessive muscular tension during these thoughts and ideas, if there is you’re are doing to much. Pause and restart the idea.

If you are sitting slide your hands between the chair and bottom, you have two boney bits, these are your sit bones, wobbly around so that you can notice and develop some feeling sensations around these bones, take you hands out and wobbly again on the chair, you should now be able to feel more weight going though your sit bones on to the chair.

You first activity when you notice your worry rising, find your sit bones, you don’t need to use your hands again just the contact with the chair will do, if you are standing wobble around so that you can notice your weight passing thought your feet to the ground.

Thoughts just last a moment then they are no use, they are history. Let the thought go and another will appear, let that one of again, keep your attention to your sit bones, if standing, your feet, let that thought go as well and the next thought and the next, just have your attention to where you are being supported by the ground, let that thought go as well. You may notice that your worries have disappear. There is no space or time from them, if they do arise go back to where you are being supported from the ground, let the thought go, let it go over and over again, faster and faster. I find I have greater clarity and authenticity in my thinking, how is it for you?

This is the first step in discovering your authentic self, my lovely bubbly friend.

Remember if a worry appears, focus your attention your sit bones and let the thoughts go over and over again.

More to follow.

With a side order of happiness

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The missing elephant


I’ve been in the Alexander Technique community for over ten years, my question is “What is the Alexander Technique?”

Over the years I’ve thought I’d known what it is.

I thought it was moving in and out of a chair and somehow after I felt more at ease, sometimes I got a treat with some table work, I just laid there on the table and the teacher freed up my shoulders and hips. That was good.

The early years it was just a therapy, they loosened me up and I tightened myself up between the sessions.

I like what they did so;

I started my teacher training, I was taught sitting and standing, working with the other students on a table, oh of course the “monkey’ and hands on the back of the chair. We read Alexanders books, gave presentations, and a whole host of other activities. I really enjoyed my time at this school until the last two terms, however for me there was something fundamentally missing, non of it really joined up together, I felt we were skirting around the elephant in the room, It may have just been me, I was missing something,

I was missing the elephant.

I moved school.

I discovered that what was missing was psychophysical unity,

I read about it,

I understood it,

But I wasn’t it and didn’t want to be it!

I guess it was the approach the school went about it, their approach wasn’t for me, I just didn’t get it.

I get it now.

What has changed is that the Alexander Technique is about being your authentic self, it is not about chairs and tables. This is a huge difference, if you focus on chairs and tables you’ll just get good at chairs and tables, if you teach others to discover their authentic self, you may or may not need to use chairs and tables in this discovery.

The Alexander Technique is being your authentic self with psychophysical unity. You can replace psychophysical unity with freedom and aliveness.

If you want to learn the methods to rediscover your authentic self with all the freedom and aliveness you need, perhaps you can like this page so you will get a reminder when I next write.

The power of intention


Someone asked me it if was back on track with my writing, I answered “well, yes and no. I’ll explain later.”

Both yes and no are correct but needed sometime to think.

Yes, I’m back with my writing but no, not the way I used to write, having the need to write for someone else, forcing myself to write. A few months ago you may remember I promised myself to write every day, the promise petered out after a few days, just like New Years resolutions, I set myself an impossible task to achieve with just willpower to be successful, unfortunately willpower will eventually run out of steam.

I was trying too hard to achieve my promise, when trying I lose my authenticity, you may do as well.  Then things don’t feel right, then willpower fades quickly, then followed by the promise.

So what’s different now?

I’ve changed my focus, I write for myself and you are welcomed to read what I write. I’ve eventually started to understand what looking after myself means. It’s being open with myself from a point of safety, observing and reacting to thing in a nonjudgmental way. This point of safety I find myself quiet and content. It’s a point where time and space converge. I know where I am physically and I’m not thinking ahead in time; I’m in the here and now. I’ve mentioned this point of safety in my last two blogs, though I described it in different ways each time.

From my point of safety I can choose to write or not to write, I can choose or not to do anything. That sounds a bit wishy washy, it is; I also need to add some energy to the decision. The energy needs to be authentic and honest, this is the intention I mentioned in my previous blogs. With this intention you can decide to do or not to do but if it’s authentic and honest for that moment it’s the right decision. And you can change your mind if the authenticity or honesty changes. These decision can be as small or as large as you want. Having the intention to travel to work may be a large intention, you choose which road to travel, a smaller intention, but you discover a problem with the road so you pause for a moment and choose another route. Life is a continual list of intentions that continually change thought your life.

Did you ever think years ago you would be doing what you do now?

I didn’t.

I now write because I want to write with the power of intention and I’m happy to pause to allow my thoughts to generate what I write. When I started this blog I only had the intension to write something, I didn’t know what the outcome was and I was content for the content to evolve to what is it is now.

Get writing with freedom.

 

 

 

 

 

The crazy thing these thoughts just feel normal


Working, working, working, I never seem to stop, I don’t want to stop because I’m enjoying my life. What I do like to do is writing something that I don’t know the end to. Just like this blog. I used to really worry when I was at school as I was told that I needed to know what I was going to write before I started writing. I didn’t write much in case I wasn’t very good, because if I didn’t know where the story was leading now could it be good! This stifled my creativity, I didn’t do very well with English at school as I developed a belief that I was rubbish at writing and reading, so I was rubbish.

Our beliefs we developed from people in power, like teachers, form what we are going to be, I gravitated to science, maths and engineering because I had a belief at school that there was only one precise answer to a question in these topics, If I knew the answers to the questions then I would get full marks, I did, well most of the time.

I’ve just thought of two directions this blog, is going to be either “pleasing people” or “how people influence others”; they are really both the same but from the opposite ends of the spectrum, so I’ll see where I get.

We learn by copying and being guided by others, this can be either a good or bad thing.  The person teaching may not know what is being learnt was received in a good or bad way. Take my writing all those years ago, I don’t know what was said or taught but I developed  a fear of writing, I feared criticism, possibly ridicule. It wasn’t nice in the English class.

Being observant when working with people is very important as it is very easy to lose direction when random thoughts fly in off tangent and whatever you were doing can result in bedlam, you may be able to laugh it off  or not.

Wouldn’t it be easier to keep focused and keep with the job!

Keeping focused seems like hard work, it sound like juggling for a long time, maintaining and forcing you intension. I would say this way is false, forced and will eventually fail.

How about being observant about yourself, notice where you are, what you are doing, what mood you are in, being observant about your thoughts about other people or situations other than this moment, are you fretting about something, do ideas keep popping into your thoughts. If you have a busy mind on other things then you are not giving the person you are with the service or attention they deserve. I can only guess my English teacher probably had some of these thoughts.

There distracting thoughts can mess up your day, weeks months and years, I developed these thoughts sometime at school, the fear of not being good enough sort of sums these thoughts up. The crazy thing these thoughts just feel normal, they are because they were my habits, something I developed during my life.

I’ve now learnt to notice these thoughts and now put them to one side when they pop up, I ask myself if I need then at this moment and then decide if I want to use these thoughts, I’ve never said yes to them yet. It takes practice, constant practice, practice when I’m writing this blog, practice when cooking a meal, practice at anytime.

If you want to know what I do to notice these thoughts, I’ve got hints and tips that could help you via my mailing list. See you there .

 

 

 

 

 

It’s so so simple


I had trouble sleeping last night, I was too buoyant and happy to sleep.

I had a very busy day yesterday, a very busy day being me (most of the time). I went to London to visit an Alexander School to see if I liked the school so I could finish off my training.

I liked it

It was different

It was modern but ancient, it wasn’t the bit in the middle; it wasn’t body work, it was about thinking,

it is about understanding I have choices and I can change my choice at any point

it is about realising that we shorten and tighten as the responses to life, I have the choice to do something else. I have the choice to react differently and not let myself to shorten and tighten into pain, I can choose to do the opposite, to find space within myself; that is physically and mindfully.

Finding and going into my space makes me happy, very happy and very buoyant, in fact annoyingly buoyant and happy.

SO SO simple, so simple to understand, so simple to be there for a moment, so difficult to maintain, life has so many tricks to pull me away. Thoughts flash around to tempt me away from being myself, the art is to notice and not be tempted. Mythology has at least two temptations I can remember, there will be more, the Gorgons and the Sirens they both draw people away from their intention and goal, my thoughts are like these mythical beings, extremely strong when they come near. As with the myths, I need to notice my thoughts and be prepared with a countermeasure not to be drawn in and act my thoughts, not being smashed on to the rocks or turned to stone. The myths say that these temptations need to be met but you have to be prepared to overcome them, there may be casualties but the hero will win if they follow the instructions, put wax in your ears to safely pass the coast of the sirens or use your shield as a mirror to overcome the Gorgons.

So what to do with my thoughts?

Wax and shiny shields probably won’t work so I need another plan. Thinking about it, my thoughts spin around trying to avoid the real plan, that’s proper deflection of the problem. The real answer is being authentic, being real and being here and in the present. Thinking about what could work is being somewhere else in the future, projecting myself  somewhere.

It is so so easy but thoughts drag me away. I’ve played and tested lots of methods trying to discover my way of being here and in the now, they work to some point but are complicated hence difficult to maintain.

It needs to be so so simple.

So the simple plan is a couple of thoughts, a thought of connecting myself with gravity, I go up as gravity goes down, we have evolved to stand on two feet so let our evolved postural reflex work. That’s the first thought.

The second thought is including myself wherever I am, at the moment I’m in my office looking at the screen and  typing, there’s a wall in front of me, a window to the side, a door behind me, the sun is on my arm, and my dogs are lying close by.  I sense a quite contentment rising.

So these are my two thoughts, give it a go.

The next step is to repeat the two steps again and again, slowly increasing the tempo as you repeat the thoughts. With practice these thoughts just become a blurr and a wonderful quiet presence rises but beware of the Gorgons and Sirens they will be waiting in their lairs to catch you out, when they come close increase the tempo.

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It’s nearly Christmas, why a Christmas tree?


Sunday again, that sounds like I don’t like Sundays. That’s not so, Sunday is my favourite day as I choose to do what I want. I wake up late, breakfast and then do whatever. I do plan to write a blog every Sunday as well, if you want to keep up to date with them click here.

Today as it is nearly Christmas, we went to buy a Christmas tree, I do have thoughts about bringing in a tree to my house to decorate it whilst it slowly dies so we always buy one planted and with roots, at least on has survived and is now living in my garden, others haven’t been so lucky.

Is it lucky or is it the opportunities that we gave it, kept it watered, not too hot and not in the house too long.

We all have these opportunities but the secret is to firstly notice them then take the opportunity the opportunity offers. Trees will take the opportunity when it is presented for water and nourishment out of the earth and air, us humans sometimes rationalise and generally think too much and then miss the opportunity. We have loads of names for missing opportunities,

  • deflection – changing the subject because current subject doesn’t feel comfortable
  • blame – blaming others and not realising there’s an opportunity hiding in the blame
  • shame – feeling that the opportunity is outside the comfort zone or norm and the opportunity make you feel ashamed of yourself
  • anxiety – my personal favourite, worrying about the bad things that could happen if I took the opportunity
  • Its not for me – the opportunity will push me and I can’t possibly take this opportunity because … (add your own words)

The list is probably endless, most of us like to live in our own little bubble, I’ve written about that a few times, here’s one that you may want to read.

It’s safe in our bubble, we know what’s going on in our bubble, things and people can’t hurt us or so we belief in our bubble.

What our bubble doesn’t allow is any change, we don’t develop. There’s plenty of good reasons to live in your own bubble, it was right once but life and time moves on, if you’re stuck in the past in your bubble for some reason

  1. you haven’t resolved the reason you found it safe in your bubble
  2. you may feel that one or more of the points above are valid for you
  3. you haven’t discovered that
    1. you are in a bubble
    2. you know you’re in a bubble but you can’t find a way out

As I wrote above, the first thing to happen is to stop and notice, you may need some help in that, everything will be normal to you, that’s what happens you your bubble. You sometimes need someone to prod and poke you, that’s the job I do; get you to notice things you know about but you deny their existence. It’s challenging to discover that you have avoided and squandered many opportunities over the year and it was your beliefs that held you back.

I still miss opportunities and I still use those listed above but I’m getting better at noticing the urge to stay in my bubble. This work is continual and we all need someone to talk about ‘the elephant in the room’.

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The real me


Authority – a word that gives me awkward thoughts

  • Being told what to do
  • Being measured and checked if I’m doing it right
  • Somebody has the authority over me
  • I want to rebel against authority
  • I’m not in charge
  • I’m being undermined and not in control

However

If I turn it around

“Somebody else has authority over me’

to

“I have authority over me”

then thoughts change and I’m empowered with the authority in what I do.

The need to

  • please others disappears
  • be measured by others disappears
  • search for criticism and approval from others disappears.

I am my own man and I become my authentic self.

The real me

On first thoughts this turn around is pretty scary, I’m vulnerable and open to others, well that’s my initial thoughts but really I’m not open to others, I’m open but in control of my own destiny.

Life still goes on but at my pace, I’m not sitting in a corner being the authentic me but living life.

I get the sense that I’m no longer living in the thick fog of anxiety trying to please others, my days are bright and clear as I go from activity to activity.

This could be called mindfulness in activity, I’m not sure what it is but I get the space and time to think and be confident in what I do.

So authority isn’t such a bad word when I use it for myself, it give me the authority to be authentic.

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I should have stopped


This week I’ve had and still do have a stinking cold, enough to stay at home and miss a few days at work, but not enough to miss my Alexander Teacher Training; how wrong was I!

On Friday I decided to attend but just receive any helping hands to be worked on, it was great, my symptoms dissipated, I guess the cold was pulling me down and the teachers and fellow students work got my directions going up again, I thought I was over the cold.

So yesterday, time for school again, I forgot Friday’s decision to receive but instead worked on my teachers and a couple students. I was like working with brain full of cottonwool; AT and a brain full of cottonwool just don’t mix.

I should have stopped working with my fellow students

I should have stopped working with my teachers

I should have stopped going to school for the day

I should have staying in bed!

The moral to the tale is to listen to my body and not push on regardless it just doesn’t work.

Bed

My groundhog day


My 2nd February has probably lasted as long as Phil Connors, the synopsis IMDb > Groundhog Day (1993) > Synopsis recons Phil’s was around 10 years; i may be still be in my Groundhog Day loop how knows.

My 6am call wasn’t  Sonny & Cher singing “I got you babe” but me knocking on my Alexander teachers door for another lesson, the lessons are now a blur but they seemed to be repetitive initially as I was learning to stop, though I was probably told to stop, I didn’t take the instructions in, neither did I stop. Rather like Phil’s suicide attempts then his 6am alarm again/ my knocking on the door again and again.

I then realised that I had to do something about something, it was time to understand something but what?

Stopping seemed to be a good idea, but I only paused really, I know that now but I thought I was really stopping. There’s a bit difference between stopping and pausing, when I stop I have a choice to do something else, with a pause I was just waiting to continue the same old thing, just like pausing a video.

Choices, choices, choices, is the name of the game: once you understand that is what life is about then you can live. Watching your favourite soap in TV is not a choice, it’s a habit thats stealing your time.

Understanding about choices isn’t the same as doing the choices, you need to be the choices.

Phil’s went through this realisation, finding out what Rita liked and loved and he became the expert in them; Jazz piano, French, ice sculpturing, but Rita still didn’t want him. He gave up with trying and became himself, and in response became the most beloved man in town, and in the morning it’s the 3rd of February and Rita is by his side planning to live together.

I had my first realisation of non-doing and stopping a few weeks ago, the difficulty is doing the non-doing, its so hard not to do and allow. Not doing and allowing is such a wonderful place to be in

The moral of the movie is to be honest and love yourself and then people will respond to you and may even love you back. Rather like the Alexander Technique.