I feel good today,
I’ve apologised for something that I didn’t want to do in the first place,
I’ve apologised for a side effect that had happen because something else had to happen.
It all happened over twenty years ago,
it only feels like yesterday.
I was in such a mess,
I thought my world was coming to the end,
I didn’t want my life to follow what I thought was planned for me,
I needed to change,
I made a decision and jumped with that decision with gusto and my two big feet.
I knew there would be after effects but I didn’t expect them to last this long.
Two decades and a bit, is a long, long time.
One way I found to cope was to just deny it ever happened,
that worked for a few years, may be a decade.
Birthdays and Christmas’s were when denial failed.
I got grumpy and angry.
I began to hate Christmas,
what’s the point without family!
You may have guessed, I forced a divorce, I could face living with my then wife another day, it very quickly became very acrimonious, I went into a melt down and for the sake of my children’s sanity I broke contact with them. They were getting a good strong dose of PAS parent alienation and with me sticking around it was only getting worse. I paid for their support and for their university fees but never got a thank you or any recognition or any contact at all, they’ve married but I only heard that through the grapevine, now their children are being born, still no contact.
PAS lasts along time. Thankfully others have influenced my children and have discovered that what they have been told over the decades isn’t exactly true, most probably made up by a furtive mind trying to maintain their status quo.
I’ve was told they are just waiting for an apology, this morning I wrote and sent the apology via someone we both know.
Now I’m just waiting. It’s strange, I’ve tried to write and send letters before, they were never sent, there was too much anger in the words, now I’m quite content, the letter flowed, it was honest and truthful. I’m overjoyed by writing a letter so freely and open. This could have never happened in my days of denial and anger, angry that things didn’t happen in the utopian dream that I had. Life is real, life is in the moment, if you force things to happen then it just won’t go the way you planned; the end of utopia.
The best made plans never survive first contact with the enemy: Someone is quoted this or saying something like it.
The greatest influence in getting to this point is working with Alexanders discovery, in fact being aware where I am in time and space not only helped me with asthma, it’s now disappeared, anxiety depression and just living. I still have episodes of doubt but now I can catch them early, well most of the time by asking myself if my doubt is real or imaginary. The doubts are always imaginary therefore I don’t need them so I can let it go. As I’ve written in previous blogs, this isn’t a quick fix it takes time, don’t be hard on yourself. It has taken a several years to allow my anger to subside so that I can now write an apology. Also seek help from someone you trust, this is difficult to do on your own.
If you want to know what happens next, you could like my blog and you will get a notification when I publish next.